I have been tagged by Kristin Espinosa....

Ground Rules: The First player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself", and people who get tagged need to write a Xanga entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next (insert number here: as many or as few as you want) people to be tagged and list their names. Don't' forget to leave a comment that says, "You are tagged" in their Xanga and tell them to read yours.

1. when i go into a building for the first time, i immediately look for the safest place to stand during an earthquake and try to decide if there is enough room for everyone with me or if we would need to split up, and then where they should go (i can't help it...i grew up on the west coast...we had earthquake drills in school).

2. when i can't sleep at night i talk to myself in foreign languages (...i've even woken up reciting alphabets)

3. when i drink out of a mug (no matter what is inside of it) i hold it like a cup of tea, with both hands around the cup and my right middle and ring fingers through the handle... like a loose "I LOVE YOU" sign in ASL.

4. ...whenever i am home alone, i dance. if its been a while since ive had an opportunity to really move, i get up in the middle of the night and dance in the dark.

5. i eat ice. ...i know it is bad for your teeth, and that those of you who have lived with me find this obvious... but i figured it was too quirky to leave out... i do it a lot.

i tag Jen, Jess Marinn, Corey, Yasmin, Kurt, and Jesse

.....................................................................

(on a train not long ago)

do you ever come home to a place you've never been?

...i have not forgotten you. i promise.

...i have been at the ocean with a most dear one.

...so beautiful to have moments and people in your life that make you feel more alive, more like yourself, more capable of your dreams, and more ok with them not happening at the same time. ...i am so thankful that there are places my heart feels safe... feels free...

o the ocean

...it is a new year...

i am glad there was snow when i left the airport... it had been too long in undefined seasons... there was some confort in that... some relief... and some sorrow...
as there must be.
it was nice to see my family. (all of them, flooded train ride and all) surreal to be at my parents house again, sitting by a fireplace and looking at puzzles... reality is so subjective.
...the holidays ended so quickly. and then i moved in with the boy i love more than any other on this planet. i was born in this city. Hillsboro, OR. ...with the mona lisas and madhatters...taking interpreting prereqs again... again... some things come full circle ... then repeat themselves. i'm either dense or classical... because my life is full of CODAs.
...do you ever feel like Psyche? (have you read Till We Have Faces?) ...sometimes i wonder if Cleopatra syndrome is really in convincing the others... or convincing yourself. I still say Ophelia is her eldest daughter. ... and where am I?
when is anything anything without its opposite?
...why can i so easily release and let go and allow the waves to take me when i am thrashed into the sand... but not when i sleep at night?
Evan took me to dinner at a Moroccan restaraunt tonight... and i could breathe again... regardless of anything else, this time with my brother is precious.
oh, "i thank the Lord, for the people i have found" ... but i wonder to worry, if vienna really waits for me.

...maybe my best protective boundaries would be found in my own silence... to protect me from myself

Lord, be my ocean

...it is a new year...

 

currently listening:

Oh, person, person
We're really missin' you
It breaks all of our hearts to know
That you just want to come on home
So come on home

The telephone
Just doesn't seem to do
To let you know
How much it's true
That we love you
Yeah, we love you

Oh, person, person, person
Oh, person, person, person

How's that wide river?
Are the mountains doing fine?
Can you smell the cottonwoods?
Is it huckleberry time?
Is it huckleberry time?

You tell fast eddy i say "how d'you do?"
Take a nap on a sandbar
And we're dreaming of you too
Yeah, we're dreaming of you too

Oh, person, person, person
Oh, person, person, person

You give those glacier boats
Some muscle driven hell
And make sure the captain stands up straight
When the river starts to swell
When the river starts to swell

Oh, person, person
We're really missin' you
It breaks all of our hearts
To know
That you just want
To come on home
So come on home

Person person person
Oh, person, person, person

-Mirah "person person"

...i am almost used to these keyboards with "wrong" letters and keys that dont work...

Thanksgiving was a marvelous good time... despite the fact that our flat has yet to recover.  The day before I received a note from the post office that i had a "letter" waiting for me... it was a bottle containing beauty from accross the sea... sadiiqatii sent me oregon leaves... my only actual taste of autumn this year... i used them for the Eid and sent a couple guests home with one... it was perfect_ the westerners present were touched.  Thanks.

we wanted some luxury last night and let the candles burn for too long... now there is wax frozen to our table... having a hard time getting it off; but i figure tonight it will melt again and then it will be easier.  We will probably only have to buy one more round of candles before finals... unless we get greedy again... or the temperature drops any more...

suffice it to say that there were pedagogical differences between myself and the teachers at AmidEast... right before their exam, the teacher tells them they need to move their desks because they are cheaters, just previous to this little encouragement she told half of them they were going to get a zero on the oral exam and smirked about how they would do on the written... then she left me to proctor while she had a smoke break and took lunch... i spent the hour praying for the kids to do well... i was shocked by her lack of concern for these 13_17 yr old kids...  when they had questions_the exam was very poorly written_ i wanted to explain everything all over again to them... i hated seeing them so nervous... i had to settle for telling them they they knew the material and to do what sounded best to them... oh i hated it.  ...afterwards the kids came up to kiss me goodbye ___have i mentioned that we kiss here like in France?  well we do, once on each cheek, comming and going, it changes a bit if you are close, sometimes 4 and sometimes 3___ and ask for my email, and tell me they would miss me... it was quite sad.  then the teacher said something that surprised me, she said she was jealous, and didnùt anyone want her email address?  ...fairly obviously to me, no one did, so i took it... and was honestly trying to figure out of she didnùt realize the way she treated them...  how can you not notice those things?  ...like the way i dont notice all the time, yes i know, sad how easy it is...  __i had to say goodbye to Cyrene, the most poised and mature 13 year old ive ever met... that was painful.  we had some incredible conversations... i very much hope she will write.  __sher, it reminded me of your time on MT when you would send autograph seekers to me, for your amusement, and suddenly everyone has a pen...not a lot of time, but im pretty sure i signed more autographs your year on the road then mine.

been meeting some phenomenal people lately... sad about the timing.  Jesse is from Idaho; he lived in Germany for 6 months and then in Hawaii.  He is here studying Arabic for fun, living in the dorms __either out of courage or stupidity__ with the boys, and tracked me down online becuse he had no friends here.  His sister is in China ...his bothers are in Thailand... and he had to find me to get friends in Tunis?  Anyway he is now classified with my other brilliant friends, one conversation with him about literature and i was suddenly passionte about school again... it was tré good for me.  ...Imen is rather impressed with him sa well, and if i were a matchmaker i might nudge... even though she is 6 years older... luckly for both of them I am no such thing and shall keep those thoughts to myself __and; i suppose; to the world of xanga__ but i am glad they got to meet.  She took us to another horse jumping competition yesterday.  ...oh; Imen i shall miss most of all... 

 had another prayer night at Christis... beautiful things...  i love being in that house.  ... it was one of those quiet nights when you feel like just soaking everything in, and there were many revelations and rerevelations in that quiet... as always happens when i let myself get to that place...

Intesam __yet another girl whose beautiful heart i shall be sad not to be around__ prayed for me in arabic and i understood her.  i cannot be sure that it was due to language aquisition though__ there was a moment when i thought of it and tried to listen to her... i did not recognize the words but still knew exacty what she said... obvious reasons.  But this past week has been full of language encouragement... whether or not exams will reflect that is yet to be seen, but Imen has noticed marked improval also, the amount i understand has drastically increased...  Insha'Allah that shall continue.

and yet there are things of which to be aware... oh my heart...

i have no desire to hide:  but am i as masochistic as i appear?  returning again and again to certain pain... will i never learn to take my heart back?  is that not our life?  i hope that lesson does not consume any part of me... yet i do not desire to be unwise... but i know the pain will come.  It will almost be welcomed;  the way mourning feels good because it is still a tie_ albeit a harsh one_to the thing mourned...  and here i go: the beauty of this affair will be more revealed in the reflections found in my tears than in the fingerprints left on me... those also will slowly be made known... as if they could bloom, unble to be washed away.  It is yet to be seen which parts of me will make it through the rendevous, what will die, what will live, what will change... has my heart given itself to so many that it no longer lives in my chest?  ...i do not know how much of this will wash off of me...  despite the wounds, and despite the disrespect... there is passion.  Passion that surprises, and too often burns, me... the relationship reminded me of deep things in my heart and deep parts of myself... and that; that is what i sought... what i went looking for; is it not?  ...oh why do i break my own heart... is there really such a fighter trapped inside this pacifist?  And yet i know these answers... they are not secrets.  But how torn my heart makes itself... and why?  As i try to wade into the important i find that I am dancing around myself... trying to fight for myself always turns into merely fighting myself... will your heart even miss a beat when I am no longer near? ...will it even notice...?  Will you answer such intimte questions if i ask.. out in the open?  Why do i fall so deeply while you seem content to let me go...?  and yet... would my heart turn if you wouldnt?  i pray it is not so conditional... but i am weak.  I cannot now imagine the pursuit of another... but if it comes, will you forgive me?  Forgive me for wasted moments and selfish thoughts?  Forgive my heart for being such a shadow, and not staying above my feet....  when you smile at me i am lost.  I question decisions and retrace groung long since directed.  ...i cannot live dizzy.  But will my fogotten footsteps be misunderstood, or can you see that I am not leading this line?  ...is it wrong of my heart to ask that you forget me slowly?  clutching tears in mourning... will your heart feel nothing?  Yet even so... even so.  With no other reason and passion that is past myself I have fallen for you.  it continues to be revealed_ just what you own of me... but for what they are, they are yours;  i cannot take them back.  and even so... even so; i have no desire to.  I pray that while you loved me my heart was good to you.  I pray that when you forget me my heart will be good to you still.  ...affair is such a ______word, yet appeopriate.  Our affair infected me with you r ... our affair...   i shall take you with me if you would leave me and let me go.  fogive me if i have failed you.  aziizi... ...i love you... ...balad aziizi uhebuk kathiiran, lakin Allah yuhebuk akthar... Tunis... uhebuk... Tunisia, i love you.

 

 

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in twelve-thirty flight
Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say: "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"


It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that
I've become

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

 

the south was spectacular...  i do not have time to devote to it here (yet)

 

tomorrow is Eid alShukr... otherwise known as Thanksgiving.  I hope you all have a wonderful day-- truly there is much for which to be thankful. ...i am hosting a Thanskgiving dinner at my flat for Tunisian friends... there will be about 30 people there... i am excited, but a bit nervous about hosting it.  oh well.  Luckily they understand that the most important thing is enjoying your company. 

big things are happening and wheels are turning.  Last night I was at a cafe until 1.30 talking to this Canadian buisnessman named Bruce Hardy.  He spoke at the UN summit here (advises the Canadian gov and speaks to countries re: development, technology, econ, culture..; etc) and i gave him directions/recommendations in the Suk when he was lost... it was phenomenal.  SO good to remember that things are possible, that options are open... that all those dreams I have... they can be done.  He had some incredible recs for me for MA/PHD programs as well as options that are avaliable...  maybe later ill get to tell you some of his stories.  for a 31 year old, he has quite a few... similar to the amount i hope i have at that age.

www.donhejny.com please and thank you (i love you don)

please know that you are all among my ¨happy thoughts¨ and that for which i am so thankful.

 

 

there really are just no words for some things.

i rode a camel in the sahara ...

 

 

"Only tell me that you still want me here
When you wander off out there
To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow
In that dry white ocean alone

Lost out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert

To stand with you in a ring of fire
I'll forget the days gone by
I'll protect your body and guard your soul
From mirages in your sight

Lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I'll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
I'll hold you up, and be your way out
And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

Just a wish and I will cover your shoulders
With veils of silk and gold
When the shadows come and darken your heart
Leaving you with regrets so cold

Lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I'll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
I'll hold you up, and be your way out
And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara"

 

i am sick. 

i hope that my body will hold out during the next week- we are taking a trip to the south: Jerba, Gabes, Tatouine, the Sahara... where i will get to ride a camel... yes i am excited.  Karim is hoping we will try to eat one as well- apparently something done often in the south... we shall see.  I'll probably try it. 

I think Tunisia will make even the US news in the next week-- watch for it.  There is an UN summit here on Information Technologies-- it's been a big deal here because Sharon was going to come... but now is not... which i belive is a wise decision-- would not have been safe FOR ANYONE. 

there is so much more to say, and i am out of time.  i will write again as soon as i can. 

 

good things are happening

 

 

i have an announcement:

I am excited for Christmas

this is a long story that I will not write here now... suffice it to say that i am thankful.

this is not a hint, but a warning to those who have mentioned sending mail.  If you desire to send me mail, you need to send it immediatemente (i don't speak spanish, sorry) or I will not get it before I leave.  It takes about a month to arrive (sometimes longer) so if you have things to send, send them in the next couple days, and once the first week in November is over, please do not send mail to that address, as I will not likely receive it.  I have been so touched by the mail I have received from you, it has been a sweet sweet thing to my heart. 

Today is the last day of Ramadan!  Tomorrow begins ELEID and I am very excited.  (aside, the man who works here is named Walid--oddly enough very similar to the arabic word for "boy"-- and he has always been friendly and kind to us, but he just invited me over for dinner and I cannot tell if he is just trying to be nice and invite me for the last day of Ramadan, or if he wants a date... I hate being single here... things would be so much easier if i had a husband, or a brother, to defer to... its a hard life, huh?)  My roommate Erica is in London right now staying with a friend who is interning at the Embassy.  And the rest of us are going to Hammamet on Friday for a little break.  Yay. Circumstances have arisen that will make it more difficult for me to access the internet in the comming month... but I shall try. 

i love you all. 

Eid Mubarak!

 

a dear and precious friend send me a present today:

and oh it made my heart happy.

i have friends...

(amazing, isn't it?)

...friends who love me despite myself.

i am thankful beyond words for being able to know and rest in that while i am here.

i pray the "knowing" does not fade ... my heart is fickle and prone to forgetfullness

... Insha'Allah I shall find a way to show you I love you too.

 

----

for now... i will just show you some of me:

 

this was Rachel's birthday at an Subsaharan themed restaraunt,

David, Boram, me, Rachel, Alison, Erica, and Gina is taking the photo:

 

this is Imen Frij teaching us to make briq, she is beyond fabulous, she is Libyan but is studying at our Universite:

this, is briq (sometimes spelled "brik" but transliterations are never really right anyway):

 

this is Tunisian Jasmine... which deserves an entire post of it's own one day:

 

This is at the Muse Bardo, it was an old harem in a palace (harem means family home, not a harem of women... which comes from the word "haram" meaning "forbidden") the guy in the picture is David:

 

This was on the way back from hiking at Lake Ichkeul:

 

my roommates... studying hard... its amazing how much Arabic you learn through shadow puppets:

 

this is in Kairouan (i actually took this one):

 

here is the old Temple of Water ...'twas incredible:

 

Erica put a flower in my hair and took a picture... but the best part is that you can see our refrigerator without a door:

 

Imen at our place... with "crescents" -Libyan cookies

 

Cafe at night during Ramadan... ooh the cafes get crazy...

 

that is all of my roommates photos for now. 

In a few minutes I will teach an english class to teenagers... which is hard because it is afternoon in Ramadan

--which is almost over, btw, the Night of Power is on Sunday... and the first Eid should be on the 3rd or 4th--

i am an exam tomorrow morning (yes, Saturday) and the more I study the more I realize I do not know and need to study... its been an overwhelming couple of days.  ...I suppose it could be because my roommates and I are the studious kind.  Erica is taking the LSAT in Jan, and we often "practice" with her when we don't have other homework (let me say, right now, that i could never make it in law school... too many logic game questions on that test that must be answered in a minute and ten seconds... no hope for me and my literary brain).  it's hilarious- you'd laugh.  Erica will be just fine as a One L though, she makes outlines and verb charts "all-the-day, all-the-day-long" ...and I doubt she'll have much trouble with reading cases. 

ok... there is more to say, but my brain has ceased to function in english for the moment...

 

shahia taiba asdiqa' azizia, uhebukum kathiran