November 28, 2005
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...i am almost used to these keyboards with "wrong" letters and keys that dont work...
Thanksgiving was a marvelous good time... despite the fact that our flat has yet to recover. The day before I received a note from the post office that i had a "letter" waiting for me... it was a bottle containing beauty from accross the sea... sadiiqatii sent me oregon leaves... my only actual taste of autumn this year... i used them for the Eid and sent a couple guests home with one... it was perfect_ the westerners present were touched. Thanks.
we wanted some luxury last night and let the candles burn for too long... now there is wax frozen to our table... having a hard time getting it off; but i figure tonight it will melt again and then it will be easier. We will probably only have to buy one more round of candles before finals... unless we get greedy again... or the temperature drops any more...
suffice it to say that there were pedagogical differences between myself and the teachers at AmidEast... right before their exam, the teacher tells them they need to move their desks because they are cheaters, just previous to this little encouragement she told half of them they were going to get a zero on the oral exam and smirked about how they would do on the written... then she left me to proctor while she had a smoke break and took lunch... i spent the hour praying for the kids to do well... i was shocked by her lack of concern for these 13_17 yr old kids... when they had questions_the exam was very poorly written_ i wanted to explain everything all over again to them... i hated seeing them so nervous... i had to settle for telling them they they knew the material and to do what sounded best to them... oh i hated it. ...afterwards the kids came up to kiss me goodbye ___have i mentioned that we kiss here like in France? well we do, once on each cheek, comming and going, it changes a bit if you are close, sometimes 4 and sometimes 3___ and ask for my email, and tell me they would miss me... it was quite sad. then the teacher said something that surprised me, she said she was jealous, and didnùt anyone want her email address? ...fairly obviously to me, no one did, so i took it... and was honestly trying to figure out of she didnùt realize the way she treated them... how can you not notice those things? ...like the way i dont notice all the time, yes i know, sad how easy it is... __i had to say goodbye to Cyrene, the most poised and mature 13 year old ive ever met... that was painful. we had some incredible conversations... i very much hope she will write. __sher, it reminded me of your time on MT when you would send autograph seekers to me, for your amusement, and suddenly everyone has a pen...not a lot of time, but im pretty sure i signed more autographs your year on the road then mine.
been meeting some phenomenal people lately... sad about the timing. Jesse is from Idaho; he lived in Germany for 6 months and then in Hawaii. He is here studying Arabic for fun, living in the dorms __either out of courage or stupidity__ with the boys, and tracked me down online becuse he had no friends here. His sister is in China ...his bothers are in Thailand... and he had to find me to get friends in Tunis? Anyway he is now classified with my other brilliant friends, one conversation with him about literature and i was suddenly passionte about school again... it was tré good for me. ...Imen is rather impressed with him sa well, and if i were a matchmaker i might nudge... even though she is 6 years older... luckly for both of them I am no such thing and shall keep those thoughts to myself __and; i suppose; to the world of xanga__ but i am glad they got to meet. She took us to another horse jumping competition yesterday. ...oh; Imen i shall miss most of all...
had another prayer night at Christis... beautiful things... i love being in that house. ... it was one of those quiet nights when you feel like just soaking everything in, and there were many revelations and rerevelations in that quiet... as always happens when i let myself get to that place...
Intesam __yet another girl whose beautiful heart i shall be sad not to be around__ prayed for me in arabic and i understood her. i cannot be sure that it was due to language aquisition though__ there was a moment when i thought of it and tried to listen to her... i did not recognize the words but still knew exacty what she said... obvious reasons. But this past week has been full of language encouragement... whether or not exams will reflect that is yet to be seen, but Imen has noticed marked improval also, the amount i understand has drastically increased... Insha'Allah that shall continue.
and yet there are things of which to be aware... oh my heart...
i have no desire to hide: but am i as masochistic as i appear? returning again and again to certain pain... will i never learn to take my heart back? is that not our life? i hope that lesson does not consume any part of me... yet i do not desire to be unwise... but i know the pain will come. It will almost be welcomed; the way mourning feels good because it is still a tie_ albeit a harsh one_to the thing mourned... and here i go: the beauty of this affair will be more revealed in the reflections found in my tears than in the fingerprints left on me... those also will slowly be made known... as if they could bloom, unble to be washed away. It is yet to be seen which parts of me will make it through the rendevous, what will die, what will live, what will change... has my heart given itself to so many that it no longer lives in my chest? ...i do not know how much of this will wash off of me... despite the wounds, and despite the disrespect... there is passion. Passion that surprises, and too often burns, me... the relationship reminded me of deep things in my heart and deep parts of myself... and that; that is what i sought... what i went looking for; is it not? ...oh why do i break my own heart... is there really such a fighter trapped inside this pacifist? And yet i know these answers... they are not secrets. But how torn my heart makes itself... and why? As i try to wade into the important i find that I am dancing around myself... trying to fight for myself always turns into merely fighting myself... will your heart even miss a beat when I am no longer near? ...will it even notice...? Will you answer such intimte questions if i ask.. out in the open? Why do i fall so deeply while you seem content to let me go...? and yet... would my heart turn if you wouldnt? i pray it is not so conditional... but i am weak. I cannot now imagine the pursuit of another... but if it comes, will you forgive me? Forgive me for wasted moments and selfish thoughts? Forgive my heart for being such a shadow, and not staying above my feet.... when you smile at me i am lost. I question decisions and retrace groung long since directed. ...i cannot live dizzy. But will my fogotten footsteps be misunderstood, or can you see that I am not leading this line? ...is it wrong of my heart to ask that you forget me slowly? clutching tears in mourning... will your heart feel nothing? Yet even so... even so. With no other reason and passion that is past myself I have fallen for you. it continues to be revealed_ just what you own of me... but for what they are, they are yours; i cannot take them back. and even so... even so; i have no desire to. I pray that while you loved me my heart was good to you. I pray that when you forget me my heart will be good to you still. ...affair is such a ______word, yet appeopriate. Our affair infected me with you r ... our affair... i shall take you with me if you would leave me and let me go. fogive me if i have failed you. aziizi... ...i love you... ...balad aziizi uhebuk kathiiran, lakin Allah yuhebuk akthar... Tunis... uhebuk... Tunisia, i love you.
I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in twelve-thirty flight
Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say: "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that
I've become
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
Comments (11)
at first i wasn't sure what you were saying because of the k's at the end of the words, but i think it's just different in standard. tell me if i'm right: "balad aziizi, i love you, but God, i love you more. Tunis, I love you."
No, no, Jordie's big day is not until the 17th...breathe easy.
Dec. 9th is when "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" comes out. But Steph and I can wait for you if you'd like. 
I'm so glad the leaves got there on time. And glad they brought smiles. 
Boat safely and I'll see you soon! Big Hugs!!!
PC
HI!!! Miss you so much. Wish I was there exploring the many journeys you have gone. I want to go over there....sooon!!!!! I dont know if you know this or not, but Adam and Evita are having a baby! She is do in April (I think). SHe is haveing a babie Girl! Hope all is going well.
BUTTER
This post was beautiful. I love reading of your adventures and I feel as if I'm peering into your heart...I hope you don't mind.
hey erin! you still going to be in England on the 5th? do u still want to meet up? give me a call or email me at work kim.yeoman@aon.co.uk so we can arrange it.
ah, i miss you my friend... i have something i want to tell you about but is more valueable than a xanga comment. i'll find a way.
Dear Erin Shute:
I found myself thinking about you as I wrote in my journal the other day. I said a prayer for you. I posted it on my xanga. If you wish to see it.
You are of great value. The memories of your compassion and kindness are engraved in my heart.
~Keren
man toro dust doram..
that was farsi for:
i love you.
i haven't finished reading this post..
m at work..
but i will at home..
i have a favor to ask of you....?
we're crazy. that's why we break our hearts.
i had a dream the other night that we danced together. i was so beautiful. the only thing i remember was a grande rond de jambe en l'aire into and attitude, pliأ©, pas de bouree en tournant.
you had long hair. and you were happy.
Are you back yet? Are you back yet? Huh? huh? huh? Are you back yet? ;-P Heehee
Hi. Long time. I'll call, I promise, just can't say when. Did you see my news? If not, I'll tell you on the phone. Miss you.
-Trey
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