October 14, 2004

• d a n c e

  [deep breath]

  it’s autumn. the season of red leaves releasing branches to musical wind which twirls them delicately to the ground. a visual the Lord has used repeatedly with me about dancing.

  but it doesn’t feel like autumn. some leaves are red- some others are changing. but i live in oregon, and green trees don’t hold their breath for the winter. and the wind isn’t singing. in fact, it’s not even cold. the skies have yet to cry inconsolably. the sun shines. and shines.

  do you remember being on the road (those of you who were) and going from season to season in a matter of days? Winter-summer-winter-fall-spring-summer-winter until all order of time and sequence jumble themselves inside of you. echoing the mess of change dwelling there. no “order.” no natural progression. sudden explosions of pain that turn to beauty. dying in circles not seen to be connected.

  and so once again my inner season does not match the outer one. and the outer one does not match it’s label. the sun is shining. fiercely. but my heart wraps sweaters around itself and hides under a blanket in the corner, hugging a pillow to its stomach. the sun shines and the Lord whispers “bloom.”

  “this is not the season for blooming… this is the season for dying. for hibernation. for falling to the ground.”

  “this is not your winter. not a breaking, a replanting.”

  “but i AM broken, don’t you see? my heart is shattered and hiding inside of me.”

  still the sun shines. ignorant of its season. mocking me in every ray of beauty and unrelenting warmth. and i stare at it in strange frustration. i want desperately to close my eyes into the sun and hide from it in the same breath. so i stand paralyzed watching it outline the leaves that have not yet taken off their color or fallen to the ground. crowning them with a golden embrace. i blink back to my reality and crutch indoors for class. for choreography. and the lump in my throat returns. simply walking into the studio makes my eyes glimmer and my voice stop. nodding smiles to answer “how are you?”s.

  and she pulls me. forces me. pushes me. shoves my face into my pain. smiles “you can do this” like that blasted sun. …can I? that’s certainly never the point. that “I” can do something. but has it ever felt this hopeless? has it ever gone this deep? …has it ever not with Him? still – this is different. i won’t argue myself there. I don’t have to.

  today was my first rehearsal. for my piece. it should have been monumental in my heart differently. 2 girls came. i need 4 for the requirement. they aren’t experienced. …but they love to dance. 2 little freshman girls trying to deal with not dancing everyday like they did in high school. *they have much shock in store as dance majors. this program deprograms you. and yet they start with me. -and i with them. so we talked. yes, talked. then did almost accross the floors… technique is overrated, right? i had them improv seasons. dance autumn. dance winter. dance spring. and their laughter made me smile. made something in me gasp for air and surface again.

  and then i let them go. i didn’t teach them any choreography. i didn’t have any. ..i didn’t even have a theme. this “season” has drawn every ounce of creativity inside of me to play hide and seek within me. i dont have the mental energy to write my thesis and i don’t have the emotional energy to choreograph.
  wouldn’t it have been hard enough? as if it matters. as if there’s “enough.”

  so i let them go.

  but i stayed. not to work. not to play. to fight. alone in this small studio with only evening sunlight dripping through the windows. i breathed. a giving in. i sat on the ground and slid away from my crutches. music makes me move. pain makes me freeze. and i began. began to cry without my eyes. to pray with my body. to worship with deepest sincerity. YOU ARE GOOD. despite. You are good despite me.

  i saw something hidden from me in secret places along with creativity. i become the most beautiful version of myself when i dance. my heart lives. every woman needs to see themselves be beautiful- when they are alone. and in my tattered clothes and messy ponytail i felt more regal than i could have in glass slippers.

  i danced today. on the floor. on one leg. in my heart. pierced with both beauty and pain.

  i left the studio to the sunset.

  and He whispers “bloom.”

  • 10:47 pm
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