October 4, 2004

• ...i need to write something.

  
  

  not on here, just, in general.  for me.  need to redeem  w o r d s  that have been abandoned to school while i hide in new found...  time.  hiding in places where i don't need it.  i have taken up painting.  i always used it to vent, but it's different now.  ...i painted a beautiful picture a couple days ago.  beautiful because of the process.  because of me.  then i put it in the mail and sent it off.  as it should be.  a physical representation of spilling my heart out and giving it away.  we all do it.  that's my favorite part about you. 

  
  

  school is disappointing at the moment.  because my heart is elsewhere... every time.  every time a season comes to an end my heart crosses the finish line long before my exhausted little legs... is that why i'm so exhausted?  no more analysing, not now.  (analysing with the Brit. spelling... because it's better)

  
  

  classes are exciting -i guess.  Arabic is my favorite, surprise. West African Lit. has to come in second though... although, the film class with gavin is the salvation of my school week.  i won't pontificate about this here- not now anyway.  i keep myself awake at night enough doing it.  just one question fighting for my Zs lately.  I'm not going to explain, but: monmouth, portland, seattle, or boston?  I'm a senior in college.  what is that?

  
  

  you know those things you like about yourself that you keep secret?  ..the things your closest know without you telling them?  like the fact that i can see a movie 100+ times, and still cry when i watch it.  or that i could stare at light reflecting in falling water for hours.  my favorite is discovering them.  today i remembered how much i enjoy the smell of wet rock... and native american music. 

  
  

  i am such a paradox... just like Him.  i am so tired of being alone.  but the opportunity to eliminate it forever - is just as scary.  ...i miss when it wasn't a choice.  when i just *belonged.  memories find me in seasons like this- 1000 of them flash in my mind without stopping until my heart is spent.  this waiting game is -sigh- underrated by me. 

  
  

  i don't really have the emotional energy to write about my knee on here.  i am healing bit by bit.  tomorrow is a post-op appt with my surgeon... we'll see. 

  
  

  i feel- hm- almost washed out lately.  like i'm melting- like watercolors.  like someone has taken a brush to my colors and with one drop of water dilluted me back to transparency.  just the paper.  i'm sure the invisible blankets will come off when new colors are applied... so i sit and let myself diffuse... i guess that's the point huh?  -it's beautiful though.  Have you ever watched a drop of paint-or food coloring- dance in a cup of water?  milk in tea works too.  like candle smoke the first seconds after you blow it out.  ..we're teaching different places in me to dance now.  and that's my best visual.  the rest of me will come later. 

  
  

  i'm wearing a necklace.  only a couple of you know about that.  the family i stayed with in England gave it to me for my 21st birthday.  it was time.

  
  

  i have a friend that i say goodbye to in my heart almost everyday.  they don't exist anymore-not as the hero i made them out to be.  but their words find their way into my ear so often that you'd think they knew me.  sometimes i wonder if he ever did. 

  
  

  so one week of school is done.  one test and one paper already behind me.  they don't waste any time, do they?  the longer i'm here the more i daydream.  in small moments, about small things.  sounds.  colors.  fragments.  shadows.  sometimes i feel it's the moments i "come back to reality" that i leave it. 

  
  

  early morning fog means it isn't going to rain.

  
  

  "i dwell in possibility" -emily dickinson

  • 3:46 am
  • 13 Comments