my paper was accepted to that conference in Portland...
I'm presenting my paper in April...
excited but nervous.

I had a beautiful weekend with my roommate.
on Saturday we stayed up watching a DVD series that
made us CRY and made me miss my girlfriends more
than ever.
I love you ladies.
You have truely made my life richer.
I wish we could meet for coffee or dessert or breakfast
or laughing.
I am so thankful that I know you, even though
we are very far away.
I miss you terribly.

...more on that later.

having just finished my arabic homework, it is surprising to me how many people are in the university library on sunday night.  *procrastinators unite. 

Good week.  Lots of homework done... lots more to go but at least I put a serious dent in the list.  Talked to some old friends.  You know those people who you want to be friends with and have in your life forever?  Yeah.  Let's all give Corey Wright and Jason Scharf a round of applause.  It was good to hear their voices.  Cheers to cell phones, even if they do die in the middle of conversations. 

Had a beautiful weekend.  Thursday night Jess cooked an incredible dinner for her boyfriend and friend Brad that came over. *deep breath* beautiful conversation about lit. and philosphy.  David and Jess talked about authors and politics and Brad and I rambled about Deconstruction and french philosophers.  I must say, whatever the french lack, they make up for in philosophy.  Wacky guys that make me smile.  Baudrillard, Lyotard, Derrida... they remind me of my english prof Gavin Keulks... he is my favorite.  I want to drink wine and listen to him talk about High Theory for the rest of my life.  We watched "I [heart] Huckabees" and David squeeled whever he thought something was funny.  I am glad he and Jess love each other.   Friday I got fitted for my bride's maid dress.  Measurements surprised me.  In a good way... I don't usually measure myself.  Then my roommate showed me a coffee shop in Salem I didn't know about.  --Drea, you'd love this place.  If we've ever in Salem together again, I shall take you there-- We had great conversation and she beat me at checkers.  She's the champ.  But I kill her in chess, so it's ok.  I love her.  She told me that she wished there was something she could call me other than "christian" because she didn't want to classify me with the other ones she knows (she is not a christian by any stretch of the word), and I felt truely thankful that we are so close and that we love each other.  Interesting that sheri and I had that conversation almost 3 years ago.  Anyway, Saturday I woke up at 6 am.  Yeah.  Had a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep.  And I must say that if it's been a while since you've read Ecc. you realy should pay the book a visit.  I grabbed some trail mix and extra film and headed off to meet Stephanie.  She is opening a dance studio in Sept. and "hired" me to be her photographer.  I had SO much fun.  Everyone laughed at the paintbrush I had in my hair to keep it up (hey, it was there), but I still enjoyed myself.  Payment was taking me out to lunch at Olive Garden.  Good deal if you ask me.  Came home and left cute little bags with bath beads and candles on my girly girlfriends' doorsteps.  And then I journaled.  Today... well, today I did a lot of nothing-- which is, of course, why I'm at the library at 10:00-- but Jess' friend bailed on her for dinner so we went out for chinese.  That's twice in one week.  If I'm not careful those measurements won't be so uplifting much longer. 

Huge Congratulations to all of you getting married in the next few months.  ...crazy. 

love you more than I san say.

...the greatest opportunity has just arisen...

my heart is so excited at the very thought...

it's too precious to even whisper...

i haven't told a soul...

hope is a dangerous thing.

...my heart is lost in it.

Ok... so much going on that I don't even know where to start.

perhaps I'll skip the school news for now. Yes, perhaps I shall.

I would like to take this moment to lament the fact that we judge fads so quickly. Assuming that if someone appears to be part of a "fad" they are lame or unable to think for themselves. You know you do it. I do it too. But I was particularly taken aback recently when a friend gave me a hard time for reading Blue Like Jazz because everyone at TM was reading it, like everyone reads Wild at Heart or anything by John Bevere.

ok, first:

Blue Like Jazz was given to me by a girl at Uni with me because the two of us had been going to Imago since last year. Dave Shanks told Drea and I about Imago Dei during one of our many meetings at Coffee House Cafe, during our fruitless search for a church after getting off the road. He reccommened it the first time he met Drea and he saw us wave to him with cloves through the glass before sitting with him and discussing good books. Brooke lent it to me because she knew I'd appreciate all the mentioning of Reed, Tony Criz, Powells, and Portland coffee shops. The book is set in Portland... how can it be bad? "Tony the Beat Poet" is Tony Criz (I forget how he spells his last name... oh well). My freshman year at Western (the year before my intership) he was the speaker at the Christian meeting group I went to every week. The first time I saw him at church I talked to him and he remembered me. And he loves his wife so much it makes me nervous to get married. *Reed: I grew up wanting to go to Reed. They had a juggling festival that I went to every year, and the summer I spend in Portland doing trapese when i was 12 we had a show there. It's an incredible school, liberal to the Nth, and serious. I even dragged Drea there one year (she tried to appreciate it because she loved me... but the theater people made her a tad bit uneasy). When I decided I wanted to interpret I came to Western. Didn't apply anywhere else because there was no where else to consider for interpreting...I still want to take classes there. *Stumptown was Drea's favorite cafe near Burnside. I took Rexly there last year during our escape from the Portland ATF. and *Common Grounds is on Hawthorne- near Echo Theater where I "lived" during the summer with Do Jump. *Powells is incredible. Brooke and I go almost every weeek. To be honest, I would have read the book even if it had nothing to do with Jesus. And I read it a couple months before I knew anyone else knew what it was.

Second:

Would it really have been such a bad thing if I had read it just because other people liked it? I read Wild at Heart because it was reccommended by that man I have profound respect for. I wrote down every book Hasz mentioned from the stage. It doesn't mean I liked every book. Truthfully, John Bevere did little to help my relationship with the Lord... but I know that because I read his books. Looked at what was going on around me and decided to check it out for myself. we want people to have their own opinions and their own philosophies but we don't allow them time to develop them. They should instantly know something of their own, still be open to others doing the same thing, and above all avoid anything mainstream. Doesn't that seem ridiculous? Maybe it's more true for me here in Oregon where _everyone's an artist_ but I'm sure you've experienced it too. Like Ruben at Starbucks. We want to be well educated without going to college. And we claim to be process kids *shaking head*. You just can't know. Can't judge. Can't guess. My biggest fashion fad is that I have a pair of Ugg boots. Nevermind that Kristin Espinosa told me about them when she came back from Australia, I simply wear them because my brother gave them to me for Christmas. I'd wear tin foil if it was from Evan. But I hate getting raised eyebrows from my friends before they offer their spanish accented "muy popular... why are you wearing them?" As if I've betrayed artists everywhere. Those of you in art school must encounter some version of this. 2 sides of the same coin. Whatever. If you like something, do it. My roommate is a self-admitted literature snob. She swears that Hemmingway is romantic and reads Thoreau for fun. She's the VP of the English honors society on campus and is known to all the faculty as a "high theory" student... and she is a die hard fan of Brittany Spears. Goes to her concerts every year. It's like the difference between the goth kids who like the style and history, and the goth kids who wear black to manipulate a response out of people. As if your opinion is really higher than anyone else's. If we really loved people we wouldn't inspire shame in their hearts for being themselves, regardless of anything.

what is your guilty pleasure?

today was a heavy day.

I feel so releived it's almost over-- just studying for my Evolution of Modern Dance midterm tomorrow.
and finishing up my Tunisia application, turning that in tomorrow morning too. *crossing fingers*

I was invited to join Phi Kappa Phi today. Honored.

mom sent me a V-day package with a blank canvas inside. Yea!

Got my Religion midterm back today and turned in a paper (relief relief)

My first piece for Autobiographical Writing was workshoped today...
a boy in my class got a crush on me after reading it. I don't understand. He asked if I was avaliable... I, of course, said no. But I admit I was flattered that he liked my writing so much (he's a huge Chuck Palahniuk fan, and he told me he felt my writing and that I brought Realism to the work, so that was my ego trip for the day).

Finished and mailed my submission for the NUCL conference. Huge weight off my shoulders. whew.

Sigma Tao Delta hosted a Valentine's reading. The choir sang... and I saw Rian. We haven't been in that close of a proximity in over 3 years. It was strange. I walked in the meet my roommate (she's the VP and was hosting, and was the reason I came) and when I saw him i hid behind the wall for a second. It only tok me a second to be ok, but it was strange to hear him sing again. I tried to make eye contact afterwards to smile and acknowledge him... but he wouldn't look at me. Wouldn't do it. That hurt. Felt immature. But I guess it doesn't matter. It was weird though. Oh well. He ignores me. I guess I could take voice class now.

3 of my friends are going in to the Peace Corps. Dave is not sure when he is leaving. Brooke is leaving in Sept to subsaharan Africa. Kim is going to West Africa. And I am hoping to be in Frankiphone Africa next fall. It would be really great to have Brooke on the same continent as me... i love that girl.

Spent yesterday in Portland. It was beautiful. Much needed and refreshing. I think I will live there during grad school stuff... maybe. We shall see.

iloveyouall.

geography lesson

assumptions are selfish.

i am tired of apologizing for misunderstandings that are not my fault.

(my previous post had a specific purpose. if you wouldn't stake your life on knowing it was for you- then it wasn't and let it go. No need to assign meaning that isn't there. I don't hate life)

and I am just tired.

it's midterms. wow. you have no idea how much I should be writing a paper for Irish lit *right now. I am procrastinating beyond even my normal ability. It's due today at 4:30. Some strange acceptance has taken over and liberated me from fear of the grade-alone-in the beauty of other things...but it certainly isn't helping me write the paper.

the past few weeks have been so exhausting with school... i've hardly had time to live outside of the mandate of University. pressures pressure pressure. it is bad enough in inself, but before the fact?

I had a prof. ask me 2 weeks ago if she could have a copy of all my work at the end of the term to create a portfolio of exemplary work to help her grade future terms. I wanted to scream no in her face. That is not an option here. I was flattered... but the truth is that the course is just easy- and anyone in my class could just as easily do the same. Now I feel weird pressure and expectations from her. I guess they were always there, they are just clearer now.

this is the season of all things "applications"

I applied for Sigma Tao Delta, that english honors society thing. I need money for school and it could help

I am submitting a paper from my West African Lit class to a conference in Portland. another pressure thing.

I am applying for an arabic intensive study abroad program in Tunisia fall term. I would leave in August and graduate in Dec. *I REALLY want to go.

I am applying for an ASL/English interpreting program-a couple actually

and I appeal to G*d for His grace to help he maintain my sanity-- or what is left of it.

They are happy things, but stacked on top of each other they have me weighed down incredibly low. This is definately the hardest term I've had yet. And i know you are all bored hearing about school-- but it's the main part of my life right now. It dictates my days more than anything else time and energy wise.

on top of that my body is worn down and, i fear, becoming ill. nausia and headaches have claimed me.

I pray your day is full of laughter and childish wonder. Do something ridiculously fun, like fingerpainting or making graham cracker houses. i find lately that the things without a "point" are more valuable than exegeses and allow "the point" to be much more clear. you all know that- but allowing yourself to do those things is an entirely different story isn't it?

i don't have the energy for this to be beautiful or even articulate.

when i was an intern i decided that i wanted my friends to stay my family. i know- we all decided a lot of things. this was one of them. i wanted to talk to people on a regular basis. i wanted to pray with them. i wanted to know their hearts better every year. i wanted them to stay in my life.

how easy we thought dificulties would be. how triumphant we were in our minds. how naive. i was anyway... i knew it but couldn't change it.

please do not misunderstand. this is neither commentary on being at TM or leaving. Just on me.

i hate that i have to put disclaimers into my "journal." i hate that understanding another human being is so difficult. i hate that love is so hard to find on this planet. and even harder to give. i hate that my best friends in the world feel distant. that they find my writing vague. i hate that i don't have better words. i hate why last night i cried so hard i could wash my entire head with the tears. the last time that happened i had just moved into an apt in salem with andrea. over a year ago. i cried then about not being able to trust G*d and because of ryan and because of my knee and because i had no idea what the hell the next day was going to look like. i cried last night because i cannot escape. i cannot escape myself, or get away from the things that pierce my heart so violently. whenever i feel like someone has broken into my life and my heart and really gets me... i realize how incredibly alone i am. how can one human being really understand another? really and deeply? and why are the people whom i feel understand me the best the same ones i rarely get to talk to? i hate that people give up on each other.

G*d joys in unity. i have no doubt in that. and life is full of division. case in point. i'm simply tired of being divided myeslf. exhausted. of goodbyes.

as an intern i had hoped that one day when a boy decided that he wanted to be with me my friends would be part of the process. that he'd endure hard conversations and answer questions. that he'd have some. that my *family would be a part of it. ...that they'd want to be. that he'd want them to be. that he'd have a gauntlet for me to run equal to the one set before him. that it would be worth it to him and worth it to them. and worthwhile.

our pictures of worth and worthwhile have certainly changed, haven't they? i'm not lamenting that. but i wonder how it happens that people can truely love each other and be unable to take the other with them. how distance becomes so impenetrable. omissions compounded by time.

not for one second do i doubt that those friends love me. but my heart aches when we dont understand each other. when we can no longer see the world through one another's eyes. ...when we stop trying to.

forgive me for my silence and fear. i smiply didn't want to lose you more than i already had.

i had other dreams equally unrealistic now. of going in the Hasz sense of the word. but people have families and jobs and priorities now. taxes and rent to pay. and the truth returns that we only have Him. that glorious Him who alone understands us. how i must break His heart that it isn't enough.

-sigh-
i wish promises still meant something. to the public in general. i don't dare say that i wish it was easier... but i wish it was possible. i do not regret a single heartbreak of mine save moments a cherished one has misunderstood me. i wish that didn't hurt so much. i wish I could understand... that they just can't. no one but Him will ever really know. --but then why does my heart so long to be known and break so completely when it isn't?

i've not forsaken honesty for vagueness, i promise. nor myself for company. nor old dreams. nor you.

but i miss it.

my prayers always become "Your will be done." because all i know is that i don't know.

i think i want to spend some time being a "dorm parent" at a boarding school overseas. My landlord's went to Indonesia for 2 years ... i really think it would be good.

(i think these are beautiful)

So I went to see Random Dance with a lovely lady. Great night. Got us both thinking. Hearing the choreographer speak afterwards was definately necessary.

I've decided one of the best ways to get inside and understand other cultures is reading their literature. Obviously art and expression is an important way- but literature... demonstrates the hero parables, cultural values, use of metaphor, etc etc... but pricelessly, _communicates the way natives view their own country_.

example: "home"

american lit- leaving home off into the wild to conquer and claim and renew.

british lit- returning home changed after adventuring

irish lit- unable to escape home

west african lit- losing home out from under you

both literally and figuratively these short little generalizations say SO much about the countries. i'm telling you... I've found a whole new love for literature and the study thereof.