in my best moments, i have always been a bridge

currently listening: regina spektor, begin to hope

loud crashes with no release, no white spark of tension relieved, just roaring from above

it finally rained today. the water seems to be jumping upward from the ground, desperate to return to the sky and unable to reach even a few inches above the ground... but what you can't see from inside my windows is the falling... every desperate leaping drop has fallen from grace. and the moment that they find the smallest semblance of solid surface they attempt to return to the sky immediately... only to fail and melt into a puddle that flows ever downward. down and down. still a slave to gravity. of course, it's the seeping down that eventually leads to the return to the clouds... but can you blame the drops for wanting to skip the process?

The leaves have turned red. But only on my street.

...my deadline keeps getting moved back... which is either grace or cruelty for my heart. Currently the date is Monday... i do not even know where to begin to beseech your prayers and support... I feel so beyond myself and completely beyond the capacity to leap at the sky.

Fortunately I had someone much more sane than I suggest a more productive way to spend my night



I had planned to add David's "non semper erit aestas"...still may, we'll see... but I am not a painter and once the therapeutic process has passed I don't really know what to do with them for aesthetic progress...

its time for tea

there are still those who love me. despite myself. thank you.

...fiat lux...

...no one has ever sent me orchids before...

not really consolation for the distance... but a sweet addition to our table... i happened to have just the vase...

thank you to all who bring a smile to my face by the thought of your name...

you are my happy thoughts

...the truth is that I've been looking forward to this time like a month of mondays... and i feel like hiding under the covers and pretending its still night...

...but I've seen the sunrise too many times to believe it...

...and the sky is too big in texas to ignore it...

...comming home I felt a bit like the road was mocking me... never ending and ending too soon

...felt that way before... but it was not the same.

there have been some deaths-murder and a suicide- and some births -expected and unexpected-since i was home...
and some dreams have followed suit. i ache for the ocean.

and yet I can't not smile. even so... too much beauty...

...dancing 6 hours a day feels even better on my heart than it does on my body... even if my shoe snaps in the middle of adagio...

...how is it possible that i forget just how much I *LOVE* lyrical?

-and no matter how much my knee hurts, it was worth it to see the smile on caitybugs face when i dyed her hair blue... and to be reminded that I am lucky enough to have friends who would drive accross the country to see my for two days... I happen to have 2 on each coast... thank G*d I have friends I don't deserve.

currently i'm buried in paper and scraps shaped like continents while I'm longing for europe and terrified to hear from them...

wish there was someone here to kick me out the proverbial door... but all my best kickers are in so cal having dinner with each other...

so it will have to be what it always is...

...i'm teaching therapy dance to some girls in a maternity home in portland...

movement always superceeds words... and it's harder to mispell.

...your prayers are much appreciated.

this game is a psuedo-balderdash game...

the fourth was lovely... though my attention was focused more on purple than red, white, and blue. beautiful day in eugene with beautiful people.

i sit for my arabic exam on monday... and while i like Sbait, i will be glad to be done... in a couple weeks i'll be roadtripping with my cousin... to Houston for a dance intensive... that is, if my arm and leg will be accepted in exchange for gasoline.

...daily checking for the application that has me stressing...

lots of time away from home... and though the sun has been kind, i'm no where near as golden brown as the marshmellows i've been roasting.

...i think my brother and i have decided to keep living together... so he's going to Pacific... I still can't believe he's gonna have a doctorate... the bum gets to skip right over that annoying masters.... i'm so proud.

...Orcas Island was lovely...

...blue skies, blackberries on the ferry, seals, sunset over the water with a glass of port...

im taking an arabic class this summer that has revealed how opinionated and passionate i am about language.  ...im a bit concerned that my prof doesn't understand the concept of a dipthong and that he is more focused on a political agenda... ...c'est la vie...ah, and it is also revealing that i actually did pick up some french in Tunis... french and arabic are so mixed there that sometimes a phrase comes in french even before arabic... that makes me nervous sometimes - because nothing makes me feel more intimidated or more like an idiot than this language... except maybe that application.

as for this independence day weekend... i am going camping.  Oregon is perfect for camping.  you should come. 

this is a picture of a RISK board... the first time I've ever played... and I'm happy to say that shortly after this picture was taken Iceland was overthrown and the world became pink.

"sometimes i dream that i could pick up a pen and really love the world... and then i remember the portraits in the hallway through which i am sleepwalking... and i wake up"
-lowly scribble in my journal between a quote by the fabulous Jorge Borges and another by Anna Quindlen

...my birthday is fast approaching... more like running me down... i'm not sure why feel so depressed about having a birthday. why do we do that? I used to think that the urgency with which i view life was forced upon me in the red dirt... but it isn't true. ...i remember being at my father's office about this time 13 years ago... and i was so sad to be turning 10. double digits. ...nine was not a good year, you'd think i'd throw a party just to say goodbye... but i remember slumping in a chair being sad to turn 10. what is wrong with me? It wasn't always that way. I was happy for birthdays through the teenage years... i think. regardless, whether the urgency was inborne or added to later on, it's here to stay ...and at this rate i'll never make it to 50.

i am going to the San Juan Islands this weekend in attempt at celebration. This is the first time I've had a birthday in the NW since I was 18... i generally make it a point to be out of the country-- or with loved ones in the sun-- but solitude has been the most convenient this year... or maybe i just couldn't take another plane.

...my own words seem little solice to me as of late... THE application will be published soon and i'm practically molting... or maybe *that's just from the ridiculous sunburn i got on saturday. do you ever feel entirely outclassed? as it is, curretly i prefer the words of others.

"at the end he said, no metaphors, nothing is like anything else.
except he said to me before that, make your hands a hammock for me. so there was one.
he said, not even the rain-he quoted the poet-not even the rain has such small hands. so there was another.
at the end, i wanted to comfort him. but what i said was, sing to it: the Arabian proverb: when danger approaches, sing to it.
except i said to him before i said that, no metaphors! no one is like anyone else. and he said, please.
so-at the end, i made my hands a hammock for him.
my arms the trees. "

-sing to it, amy hempel

"Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men."

-their eyes were watching God, zore neal hurston

i love audible.com... but on this point i tend to agree with Harper Lee: "some things should happen on soft pages, not hard metal"

Alis volat propiis = She flies with her own wings (state motto of Oregon)

celebration is important. i deeply doubt that we understand how important.

...ive been gliding over major things worth celebrating for too long... and ignoring little things...
this became painfully obvious to me a couple weeks ago when I received a birthday coupon to be redeemed some time in the month of June from clothing store... and upon reading the message to make all customers feel special... i noticed tears. At that point I decided I either needed to change something or donate wild amounts of money to the company's marketing department... and since I do not have wild amounts of money, that choice was easy...

-it's not that a party must be thrown, or that presents must be given, just time for reflection and thankfulness for the accomplishment. ...When I graduated college i told myself going to Europe and moving to Africa was celebration-- but it wasn't, it was starting a completely different adventure which required evergy and attention... without meaning to, i tend to run from true rest.

like the rest of us.

there are big things in the works which deserve for me to celebrate them (you, of course, are under no obligation):

--i have been accepted into an interpreting program which begins in the fall here in portland. A posse ad esse.
--i am part of group at church forming a dance troupe of sorts... teaching the class this sunday. Deus Misereatur.
--and as always, I am forgiven my wickedness, naivete, and selfishness. A cruce salus.

...beautiful things are beginning... this time feels good the way stretching sore muscles or exfoliating feel good...

...and things are comming that shall continue in question until November...

This is the motto of a conference where I presented a paper last year:

"to talk in public, to think in solitude, to read and to hear, to inquire, and to answer inquiries, is the business of a scholar."
-Samuel Johnson

Oh is that all?

“The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr” -Muhammad

...I understand where the motivation and perspective of this quote come from... but it still makes me uncomfortable.
Never shall pretentious-or even wise- musings outweigh in value a heart or life. Accipere quam facere praestat injuriam.

i feel much more like this:

...the scholar quote I am currently inclined to agree with is from William Hazlitt:

"A scholar is like a book written in a dead language. It is not every one that can read in it."

-though admittedly not likely for the reason intended.

...there are *far more important things.

"And let a scholar all earth's volumes carry, he will be but a walking dictionary: a mere articulate clock."
-George Chapman

...and yet I am the one making myself sick over the application...

...speaking of far more important:

"There is no one alive who is youer than you" -Dr. Seuss

Donna nobis pacem

currently reading: The Oxford Book of Oxford
currently watching: The Colbert Report

...aw the wisdom on Billy Joel...

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
You are still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you an just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forfeit what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong

But you know you can't always see when you're right
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll al come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook
And disappeaar for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.