July 19, 2005

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  I’ve been told my site is cryptic (apart from the obvious last post). 

  
  

  But I’m not going to apologize… that is just the ways things are. 

  
  

  So here's an the update:

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  14:10  ﻝﺎﺜﻣﺃ

  
  

  Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no-one else can share its joy.

  
  

   

  
  

  (Days…and weeks… of late have been, well, harder than I know how to admit.)

  
  

   

  
  

  My heart has been in smaller pieces than I can ever remember

  
  

   

  
  

  I have felt the pearls of my heart trampled by selves who did not understand, though they may have wanted to

  
  

   

  
  

  I’ve been enduring hard conversations and harder silences

  
  

   

  
  

  [things are not getting better with time]

  
  

   

  
  

  It becomes harder and harder to pick up the phone or click “compose new mail”

  
  

   

  
  

  My walls are getting whiter

  
  

   

  
  

  I have divorced myself

  
  

                   I left candles burning overnight and while I was away twice

  
  

                  Today is the first time in over a week that I have felt hungry

  
  

                  Dropped a class

  
  

                  Slept through another class

  
  

      I wake up each morning drenched with sweat as though the night has been an endless cycle of nightmares

  
  

                 

  
  

  It takes me at least an hour to get out of bed in the morning-no I’m not exaggerating

  
  

   

  
  

  I got angry

  
  

   

  
  

  I have felt more alone in the last month than I have since summers on campus-at least in equal weight

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  ...and this is mercy

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   Your mercy has to be just because Your truth has to be true  (Merton: Thoughts in Solitude, 60)

  
  

   

  
  

  Hold on to your particular pain.  That too can take you to G*d  (Rumi: The Soul of Rumi, 174)

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  This is mercy because my heart can still break

  
  

   

  
  

  And because there is One alone who can ever understand it all

  
  

   

  
  

  Because those I love cannot fill everything

  
  

   

  
  

  Because love is unconditional… and does cost you something

  
  

   

  
  

  Because “silence teaches us to know reality by respecting it where words have defiled it” (Merton, 83)

  
  

   

  
  

  Because time itself is arbitrary, pain so temporary teaches little, and brokenness is beautiful and productive

  
  

   

  
  

  Because “as soon as you are really alone you are with G*d” (Merton, 117)

  
  

   

  
  

  Because I am not trapped here

  
  

   

  
  

  Because moving on and away from treasures –letting go—has never been my forte

  
  

   

  
  

  Because “there is no heart so whole as a broken heart” (Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav)

  
  

   

  
  

  Because I am not abandoned to myself

  
  

   

  
  

  Because today I felt hungry

  
  

   

  
  

  Because I am worth more than my academic pursuits

  
  

   

  
  

  Because the class I slept through was cancelled

  
  

   

  
  

  Because with each natural purging healing progresses

  
  

   

  
  

  Because I could finally pick up my pen

  
  

   

  
  

  Because today I was a little less sad than yesterday

  
  

   

  
  

  Because I get out of bed each morning

  
  

   

  
  

  Because I got angry

  
  

   

  
  

  Because one “becomes a solitary at the moment when, no matter what may be his external surroundings, he is suddenly aware of his own inalienable solitude and sees that he will never be anything but solitary.  From that moment, solitude is not potential—it is actual” (Merton, 77)

  
  

   

  
  

  Because this pain is beautiful to the One who loves me like the mess of my mangled feet after taking off my pointe shoes is beautiful to me

  
  

   

  
  

  Because there is much for which to be thankful

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  There’s a shredding that’s really a healing, that makes you more alive (Rumi: This Battered Saucepan)

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  The solution to the problem of life is life itself.  Life is not attained by reasoning and analysis, but first of all by living.  For until we have begun to live our prudence has no material to work on.  And until we have begun to fail we have no way of working out our success (Merton, 74)

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

   

  • 12:58 am
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