February 9, 2005

• assumptions are selfish.

  i am tired of apologizing for misunderstandings that are not my fault.

  (my previous post had a specific purpose. if you wouldn't stake your life on knowing it was for you- then it wasn't and let it go. No need to assign meaning that isn't there. I don't hate life)

  and I am just tired.

  it's midterms. wow. you have no idea how much I should be writing a paper for Irish lit *right now. I am procrastinating beyond even my normal ability. It's due today at 4:30. Some strange acceptance has taken over and liberated me from fear of the grade-alone-in the beauty of other things...but it certainly isn't helping me write the paper.

  the past few weeks have been so exhausting with school... i've hardly had time to live outside of the mandate of University. pressures pressure pressure. it is bad enough in inself, but before the fact?

  I had a prof. ask me 2 weeks ago if she could have a copy of all my work at the end of the term to create a portfolio of exemplary work to help her grade future terms. I wanted to scream no in her face. That is not an option here. I was flattered... but the truth is that the course is just easy- and anyone in my class could just as easily do the same. Now I feel weird pressure and expectations from her. I guess they were always there, they are just clearer now.

  this is the season of all things "applications"

  I applied for Sigma Tao Delta, that english honors society thing. I need money for school and it could help

  I am submitting a paper from my West African Lit class to a conference in Portland. another pressure thing.

  I am applying for an arabic intensive study abroad program in Tunisia fall term. I would leave in August and graduate in Dec. *I REALLY want to go.

  I am applying for an ASL/English interpreting program-a couple actually

  and I appeal to G*d for His grace to help he maintain my sanity-- or what is left of it.

  They are happy things, but stacked on top of each other they have me weighed down incredibly low. This is definately the hardest term I've had yet. And i know you are all bored hearing about school-- but it's the main part of my life right now. It dictates my days more than anything else time and energy wise.

  on top of that my body is worn down and, i fear, becoming ill. nausia and headaches have claimed me.

  I pray your day is full of laughter and childish wonder. Do something ridiculously fun, like fingerpainting or making graham cracker houses. i find lately that the things without a "point" are more valuable than exegeses and allow "the point" to be much more clear. you all know that- but allowing yourself to do those things is an entirely different story isn't it?

  • 1:23 pm
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