January 20, 2005
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i don't have the energy for this to be beautiful or even articulate.
when i was an intern i decided that i wanted my friends to stay my family. i know- we all decided a lot of things. this was one of them. i wanted to talk to people on a regular basis. i wanted to pray with them. i wanted to know their hearts better every year. i wanted them to stay in my life.
how easy we thought dificulties would be. how triumphant we were in our minds. how naive. i was anyway... i knew it but couldn't change it.
please do not misunderstand. this is neither commentary on being at TM or leaving. Just on me.
i hate that i have to put disclaimers into my "journal." i hate that understanding another human being is so difficult. i hate that love is so hard to find on this planet. and even harder to give. i hate that my best friends in the world feel distant. that they find my writing vague. i hate that i don't have better words. i hate why last night i cried so hard i could wash my entire head with the tears. the last time that happened i had just moved into an apt in salem with andrea. over a year ago. i cried then about not being able to trust G*d and because of ryan and because of my knee and because i had no idea what the hell the next day was going to look like. i cried last night because i cannot escape. i cannot escape myself, or get away from the things that pierce my heart so violently. whenever i feel like someone has broken into my life and my heart and really gets me... i realize how incredibly alone i am. how can one human being really understand another? really and deeply? and why are the people whom i feel understand me the best the same ones i rarely get to talk to? i hate that people give up on each other.
G*d joys in unity. i have no doubt in that. and life is full of division. case in point. i'm simply tired of being divided myeslf. exhausted. of goodbyes.
as an intern i had hoped that one day when a boy decided that he wanted to be with me my friends would be part of the process. that he'd endure hard conversations and answer questions. that he'd have some. that my *family would be a part of it. ...that they'd want to be. that he'd want them to be. that he'd have a gauntlet for me to run equal to the one set before him. that it would be worth it to him and worth it to them. and worthwhile.
our pictures of worth and worthwhile have certainly changed, haven't they? i'm not lamenting that. but i wonder how it happens that people can truely love each other and be unable to take the other with them. how distance becomes so impenetrable. omissions compounded by time.
not for one second do i doubt that those friends love me. but my heart aches when we dont understand each other. when we can no longer see the world through one another's eyes. ...when we stop trying to.
forgive me for my silence and fear. i smiply didn't want to lose you more than i already had.
i had other dreams equally unrealistic now. of going in the Hasz sense of the word. but people have families and jobs and priorities now. taxes and rent to pay. and the truth returns that we only have Him. that glorious Him who alone understands us. how i must break His heart that it isn't enough.
-sigh-
i wish promises still meant something. to the public in general. i don't dare say that i wish it was easier... but i wish it was possible. i do not regret a single heartbreak of mine save moments a cherished one has misunderstood me. i wish that didn't hurt so much. i wish I could understand... that they just can't. no one but Him will ever really know. --but then why does my heart so long to be known and break so completely when it isn't?i've not forsaken honesty for vagueness, i promise. nor myself for company. nor old dreams. nor you.
but i miss it.
my prayers always become "Your will be done." because all i know is that i don't know.
Comments (17)
erin shute.
i read this post.
twice in fact, and i'll probably read it again after i comment.
not to comment for points, but to comment for a thank you.
a deep deep exhale of a thank you.
i needed to read this. hear your voice in my head.
i can't read over your shoulder like the old days, you know.
i have a break in march. i would like to propose a visit.
seriously.
like i will start saving money, seriously.
let me know if you can predict your life then and if it would agreeable to you to spend a little long weekend with me.
also, can you pencil me in for a chat?
i've been frustrated with this friendship of ours, it's true.
but i dream about you too.
and wonder about what your reality is like these days?
anyway, thank you thank you and thank you again for spilling your guts electronically.
i know it's not your favorite, but it was good for me (hopefully it was good for you?).
it was love. and i hope that my frantic typing gives a little love back as well.
until i hear your voice.
love.
i completly understand and relate. thanks good to know someone else feels the same way..
as i sit here with my life partner and i reflect on those endless nights and long drives and the declarations of ruling the world, i cry because i realise...
i miss you.
i guess i really miss "us"...all of us.
the us that ruled the round table while people watched us change.
::sigh:: and how we have all changed.
perhaps southern california would be a possibility in march as well?
just a thought...an invitation, rather.
ern elizabeth, i love you to the deepest sense of that feeling.
i echo andrea's feeling when i say thank you.
My thoughts are..... Well you know them. I do miss you a lot. I also have good news. So that means you need to call me when you get a chance!!!!!
love ya kid
It still amazes me how much I care for someone i havent seen in a year and a half. How i can read what you've written, not even hearing the words come from your mouth, and feel heart broken for you. I'm so glad that you trust Him so much, in spite of the way you feel sometimes.
I dont know what to say without it sounding cliche, so please forgive it. It's true, when it comes to our dreams, our vision, that sometimes letting them go and telling Him that its all back in His hands is exactly what needs to happen. Getting broken hurts, as I find out more on a day to day basis, and it burns me deep down that you seem in the midst of it. I really do wish i could just take it all away, fix everything, make you feel better. But i know, even deeper, that surviving this time will make you that much more incredible, stronger, more durable, more beautiful than ever, just like gold through the fire. It's enough to stop ones heart a bit to imagine who you will be when this time is over.
On a less serious note, however just as applicable and true, is Mark Lowery's take on one of the shortest verses of the bible. It came to pass. It came, so it could pass. It starts, so that it could end. Your trials begin, so they can end.
I just wish i could do more than type words to try and help you through. you sound like one in need of a serious urban adventure to shake things loose.
well said. there has to be some post-HA phenomena in which interns experience this type of wall. well said my friend, well said.
His Till The End
Hi my name is Jon and I still love you.
PS I will be at the atf in tacoma and portland. If you need a date you could hang at my show with me and then I know a great little steak place, if you can get us there. I wouldnt mind if you brought a friend.
i wish you lived here went to my church
break march 25 - april 3
what do you think?
Don't ever Fear that I will Forget that. I know you do and I never will.
J
at first I felt torn to even a comment..
never met..does that give me an outlet to do so?
and all I have to say is:
you have a beautiful heart!!
your honesty is real and raw..
the way you feel with friends..
I'd be a liar..if i said i've never been there..
it is frustrating and yeah it is painfull..
but HE wants to be our first..
and it seems like you're letting it happen..
it is a process.and we are human..
and the layers hurt when they rip..
my heart contains much love for you..
many times your posts have come through..
this love is only from Above..
Praying for you...
I loved that you were this real on here..
don't conform...I had missed this..
than you for just being real.
much love.
that was beautiful and articulate. mmmmmmmm... i love it!!
we will talk this weekend. i will call you. i will. love you girl.
jeremy
hmm...i want many of these same things. But I dont count myself as naive. in my ministry team year specifically i knew that this family would not always be here...but how i wished things would never change...with similar expectations, i feel like all i have is hope. hope that these days will come back to us one day...but how. I would like to give the boy you meet a hard conversation or two. You are too special to be taken advantage of...
let me know soon soon soon.
tickies are cheap now, so i want to jump on cheap, cause i gots no monies.
anyway, hopefully birthday money should be a help.
well. i would like to talk.
i have new ideas, and i would love to share.
it's an incredible thing. it's a very scary thing. to think on your own. your own thoughts. away from what you learned as 'truth'.
hoping that you are well, and available to chat with me.
love love love love.
erin i miss you. i met you once and my heart breaks for your pain. me and chris are getting married on saturday! we will save up so we can travel around and meet u in the great US of A!?
and with that...she left us to no where.
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