September 17, 2003

• Oregon sand looks like a grand mixture of salt, pepper and sugar.  It's dark... but it sparkles.

  
  
  

  My endless hunt for a new journal is thus far to no avail. Le'sob.

  
  
  

  Why do I want people to understand me? Why does it prick me somewhere deep when they don't?  It's like they have purposefully stabbed my chest from the inside out... but of course that is nonsense.  They don't do it on purpose.  They have no idea what is going on inside of me. ...now why is that so painful?  I'm not really asking, I know all the answers. What's my point?

  
  
  

  THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN
  

  
  
  

  alumni enjoy asking me what I am learning... it's a good question- depending on their motives, but I still hate it when I hear someone I care about ask me that emotionless question. It means they have no idea what is going on in my life, and they are not interested enough in me to listen and find out... or they have been so trained to ask without thinking that their mouth flies on it's own (honestly, I'd prefer the former to the latter)... and usually when someone asks you a question like that, any of the "how are you doing with"s they have already decided the answer for you in their own assuming thoughts. 

  
  
  

  Worse than that though... is when someone who SHOULD know you well enough to know the kinds of things you've been though and experienced and learned assumes that you don't know "x" or are new to the concept of "y"... quite honestly I hate it and it makes me want to shut up completely.  The only thing they succeed in proving is that they don't know me.  You can only offer your self so many times to rejection, apathy and false love before you start wanting to close it off for good.  I've reached this point so many times throughout my life that I have lost count... and then I realize that my problem isn't what I thought it was... my problem is me.  That I am a selfish human being who is too consumed with my own pain to see what is really important.  And then I get up again and knowingly offer my heart once more to anguish in the hope that somehow someday it will benefit my laughing executioner.  Death for life right? My death for their life?  Or we hope so anyway...

  
  

   “Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one – not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safely in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. But, in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, unredeemable. To love at all is to be vulnerable. The only place outside heaven where you can be safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.” -CS Lewis The Four Loves

  
  

  In any case, I am learning things.  About myself, people, God, life, randomness... but even most of these are not NEW, perhaps different in application or manifestation in my life... but not new.  I "realize" things far more than I "learn" them.  Am I wrong in thinking that we all work this way?  Am I really the impossible-to-understand person I seem to be? I'm not looking for any response.  Just venting.

  
  
  

  (insert:official:subject:change:here)

  
  
  

  Watching the sunset over the ocean makes time irrellevent. Like a swirl of past, present and future holding hands for the onlooking daydreamer.  A photograph, a lifetime... I am simultaneously a painting, a song, and a single grain of sand. Stretched accross the sky longing to be complete. Oh what an impatient foolish little girl I am...but He loves me.  So I will keep breathing and let myself get lost in endless arms or mercy.  So as never to become the sea lion that lost the sea.

  • 4:26 pm
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