August 26, 2003
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(Trey, it's not a song... I wrote it. It was how I felt.)
I hate money. I hate what it does to people. I hate that I need it to do anything.
Watched the news today... felt like I wasn't being accurately informed. Deflates my heart that I don't think there is any way for me to actually BE accurately informed about what is going on in the world. Everyone is biased (including me). I'd like to be able to do that for people. Present Truth. Go places and write about what is actually happening... as if I'd be able to do that. How self exalting is that? But I would like to be able to succeed in that.
I don't want to see the world through xanga-glasses. Taking in each moment and living each breathe through the filter of "how would I post about this?" makes my stomach cringe. I want to live LIFE... not an online 'I want to portray this' version of it. I guess that was my dillema in starting a site at all. I see my friends addicted to it, and I don't want to be. Though their intentions are great... whatever. I just want to be me.
The sky was particularly grey when I woke up this morning. As if my heart had projected itself accross the sky in some lame attempt to scream all the emotion of the night before and thus be purged of pain. It didn't work. Something has been unblinked inside me. Like time goes on without me and I am reduced to the splinter that dwells in my mind that I cannot escape from... haunted by myself. I fear a friendship has been shipwrecked.
Drea is my silver lining. She allows me to be myself and we are free to be honest. There is no end to it's importance... most friendships aren't entirely honest with everything. I love that I don't have to explain myself... and that we can sit in silence without trying to make up something to fill the void. I like the relationships best that don't require conversation to be comfortable. If silence is not awkward... we're friends.
"Jesus loves me" has never been such a heavy statement as it is today. It's all that matters... because it's all there is.
I don't mean to present an inaccurate depiction of myself- I just need to vent with writing... and I am unable to journal -I don't want to relive everything I need to write. I am genuinely thankful for this outlet. (your welcome for the disclaimer sher)
The ocean is calling me more and more... I think we are going to make a midnight rendesvous with the waves tonight. I want to be surrounded by something consistent.
may peace engulf each of your steps, and may your feet be beautiful.
Comments (10)
erin your an amazing woman and if i have to get to know you via xanga im taking it on by full force...
Erin Shute...nothing I can say. You consistently leave my insides reaching pointlessly for verbal explanation of your worth to me.
HI there! This is Harrison....... well said!
Erin...you are beautiful! I love what you wrote on your previous post. You have an amazing gift to express yourself, and it just so happens to be in a way that is totally relatable, especially for those who can't ever find the words to express their feelings. I would love to catch up with you sometime. I got a new cell # so I'll give you a call and then you can put me in your book!
i miss you...i am coming soon
sometimes, dearest ern, i wonder if you ever feel as appreciated as you are.
::shakes head slightly:: no...i don't think you do.
::sigh:: one day you might.
until then, i want to point out the fact that i left the letter ' i ' out of your name on purpose...b/c, if you don't remember, that's my term of endearment designed specifically for you...to let you know that i love you more deeply that you'll ever know. good night, my precious, closest, and most dearest ern. i am fanatical over you.
Erin, you're beautiful and I love your Spirit.
*muah*
hey what's up. it's only two prefixes and 3 suffixes, but it's VERY telling...enjoy.
i miss you
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